Cheers

If you see white smoke over Small Corner HQ.

It’ll mean I’m the chosen one and will soon be going to take up my new position. Just one last task to complete before I head off to organise Billy Graham’s Persian pilgrimage. The obligatory drink-up.

There are a number of occasions when Police officers are allowed to indulge in a tipple or two. With 30,000 syndromites, someone is bound to be organising a binge drinking session at a licensed premises near you. It’s the number one cause of drunken Police officers. Now that night duty CID officers are being kept busy.

Like any Policing activity there are rules to planning a drink-up:-

1. Work out if you’re popular. If not, find someone who is and is leaving around the same time as you. Then tag along on their do. You’ll feel popular then. Even if no-one talks to you.

2. Find a suitable licensed establishment. Remember that if you work in Small Corner, under NO circumstances should your do take place there. It’ll end up with twelve half-cut officers arresting someone. Or a fight. Or both.

3. Send out a witty e-mail. Putting up notices is so old hat, no matter how good you are with Photo-Shop. No-one reads them as they could be about a new policy we aren’t following. Try to include funny phrases like ‘I’ve rented a phone box’ or ‘I’m finally going to put my hand in my pocket’. We haven’t heard them before and they always make us laugh.

4. If you are an unpopular, unattractive male officer. Bribe an attractive female officer to send out the e-mail for you. You’re bound to get a few male colleagues turn up that way.

5. Try not to notice your leaving card being passed round between your colleagues. At the same time you need to make sure your significant other knows what to ask for when they get a phone call about your leaving present. They’ll need a list of options. You may not be as popular as you think, or could be the fifth person leaving that week.

Once the big day arrives, please remember:-

1. Bring plenty of money. Some people have only turned up to give you the opportunity to buy them a drink. You owe them at least that for making you look popular.

2. Keep an eye out for the colleagues on soft drinks. They’ll be the ones to find when you need someone to take you home. They’re also handy if you’ve got the venue wrong and someone needs nicking.

3. Look out for higher ranking officers too. They’ll be the ones doing your leaving speech. If there’s a tie try and get the one who has met you more than twice to do it. It doesn’t really matter what they say, we all know you’ll be missed and we’ve all heard that funny story about you before. But, you need the speech so you can get your hands on the leaving present and card.

4. Towards the end of the night you might spot an unattractive, and very married, senior officer giving encouraging words of advice to an attractive member of the opposite sex in a quiet corner. Don’t worry, this is normal. It’s an integral part of the Throbbing promotion process.

5. Please take time to read the card. It will have taken your colleagues a good deal of effort to try and think of something hilarious to write in it. So expect the odd strange comment among the forest of “Good Luck” messages. Then you can open the present(s).

There should be at least one (cheap, and amusing for at least 5 minutes) joke gift. Then, hopefully, you’ll get the tickets for a holiday in the Seychelles. Or a pen. Remember to smile and thank everyone either way.

It’s the thought that counts.

Good Luck.