Opposition

I love it when a plan comes together.

It seems I have been forgiven.

In turn I’ve now forgiven the Together Team for being underhand. I got back on to them to see if the captain’s spot was still available for the First XI. Sadly Sir Ian has this one sewn up and I didn’t even make it in as the twelfth person.

They have offered me a position as the fixtures secretary though. With the ‘Understanding Meaningless Surveys’ season (sponsored by the Plain English Campaign) fast approaching, I needed some opponents in a hurry.

Both the Fire Service and the Ambulance Service politely declined. They’re too busy saving people to take part apparently. So, I tried the ‘Fourth Emergency Service’. They advertise themselves as ‘The AA Team’ now and they take 37 minutes to get to an emergency call. They seemed like worthy adversaries.

A very happy lady told me that it was an unusual request and she had to consult with a supervisor. A not so happy man then pointed out that they were not a publicly accountable body and therefore they discarded all their survey results if they didn’t have at least ‘fairly satisfied’ ticked in every box. Then he hung up. What a shame. They sounded like the perfect team for a close fight.

That left me with only two choices. It would have to be either The (original) Ghostbusters or The ‘A’ Team. It was an easy decision in the end. I have sent an e-mail to Hannibal. The Ghostbusters have particle throwers and there’s no telling what these would do to a well-crafted survey.

In a final push to get you on the jazz, ready for the forthcoming battle, I have translated the final parts of the Values Consultation:-

4. We believe Success is how the Public Perceive Us – Every Contact Leaves a Trace

Ensure that our customers notice a difference

We have ‘customers’ now? Where’s my cut of the tips?

Ensure the messages we deliver to citizens and partners are the same as those we deliver internally

I’m doing my best. Where do the ‘customers’ fit into this one?

Remember why we are here

Errm… I have to confess to not keeping up with this one. Is it to catch bad guys still?

5. We will Value Each Other and recognise that we All Contribute to the Same Goal

Deal with performance issues consistently and fairly

Open and honest feedback sessions will be carried out regularly.

Invest time and resources in developing future talent

The Together Team is to get a Youth Academy.

Have the faith to invest in things that don't necessarily impact on the bottom line

How can we invest and not impact on the bottom line? Is this one of the successes we should be marketing?

6. We All Have a Part to play in Making this Happen

Stand up for ourselves and be counted

If you’d like an open and honest feedback session.

Recognise that staff need to want to do this and not made to

We can’t wait. Honestly.

Realise that we are all working towards the same goal.

Just remind me what that goal was again?

The less observant among you may miss the extra question tagged on to the end. It has a free text box so you can stand up and be counted if you like.

Q25. Is there anything that we have missed?

It’s lucky B.A. won’t get the chance to answer this one.

He might say “Shut up fool!”